WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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