i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
