Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
