Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i wish my penis had a tongue
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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