I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
