I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
