you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
