I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
40s are totally the cure
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
