wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
