This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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