I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
