The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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