Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
