Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
