remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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