proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
