i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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