take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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