Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
