he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
