toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
