my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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