i already hear my dad disowning me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
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Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
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If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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