It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
