the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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