dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
They took my balls.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
