im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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