i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
How naked do you want me to be?
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