i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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