im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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