I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
