Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
