My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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