did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
