I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
