Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
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I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.