grandma shit on top of the toilet
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
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On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
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i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.