xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
