My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
