there's paper in my vomit.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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