I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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