Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
