Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
