when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
