Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize