shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
