This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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