She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
