everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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