listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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