I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
