how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
