I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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