I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
