Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
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