I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize