does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
