U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
