Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
