God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
