the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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