im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
