Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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