Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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